We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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