I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
