I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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