It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
