If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
