Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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