i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
