i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
