I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
