Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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