I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
