im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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