Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
