nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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