EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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