apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize