i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i think my mom watched the whole time
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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