It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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