He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
