are you still at the devil's house?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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