She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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