I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
