I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
