I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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