I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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