he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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