she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
