toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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