this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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