I think I won the penis lottery.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
