Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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