He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
