1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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