I faked an abortion last night.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
