we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
