Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
