What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
