You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
