Apparently you make a good broom.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
