I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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