i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
