Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
