After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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