Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We are all done wearing pants today
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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