Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
