i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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