My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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