Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
