I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
