I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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