I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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