I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
