cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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