FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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