I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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