His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
is wine microwaveable?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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