this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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