I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How does one acquire holy water?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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