I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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