3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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