Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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