Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize