wrigley field is MILF paradise
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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