Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
